DILF YA LATER?

map of bk(i rode from flatbush which is the baby blue area to greenpoint which is the tippy top of the map)

rockstar bar- zexy murmaids

the new love of my life- Jemina Pearl

I get to the door, freeze in front of it with my teal 3 gear 90s bike in grip, and whisper to  my self "theres no way i just did that, and theres no effing way im going to be able to do this."

First off, the door to the front my my building is like, emmm, i dewnt know, 100pounds? I have to somehow pick up my half-the-size-of-me bike, lean to the left so it wont hit the steps, unlock the door and push it open (with one hand by the way) and then squeeze the bike through the limp and heavy iron barred door. Please keep in mind this is only the first three steps that lead up to the door.

Just because i can describe to myself in my head what i need to do, doesn't mean that I am actually physically capable of doing it. I lifted the bike and kind of like HAULED? it up the steps? mm? i dont know? I only made it up one before the front wheel hit the door. At this piont i was holding the bike, the front wheel was hitting the door, and my short ass midget arms couldn't even reach the keyhole to open the door. Shit. I almost felt like i was in a cartoon. Like i was homer simpson trying to do something beyond skill level of living life. I litterally probably said "DO!" like three times.

       I got it! I totally know what ima gunnaa do (im buzzed from 3 pbrs and high off of exersize and cold wind btw) I stumble back, plop the bike down, and bounce it into its parked posish in front of the door. Here, i remove my puffy FARGO-esque fishermans snow coat,  lean into my huge front door  so that it is as wide open as poss, and wedge my coat under the crack (thats what she said) This would have been sensible and totally unfunny if- and only if- this method actually made the door stay open. OHHH but it didnt. Dont worry blog readers- dont worry- my quest to open the door gets better.

        so there i am, wedging my coat sleeve under the crack, proping the door to wide open stance, and then stepping back in hopes that it will remain open so that i can bring my bike through. NO- each time after about 10 trys i step back , lower my head, and watch the door sliiiiiide back shut. slowly of course.  So slow and depressing, each time the door would slide i would get more and more deppressed and feel more and more worthless. Will i EVER get this bike inside? Ive already made it on a 2.5 buzzed bike ride home from north brooklyn. Why cant i just make it the last few steps?

    Finally, on my very last attempt, it stays about 2/3rds of the way open. ehh. good nuff. I grab the bike, haul it up the three steps, and lower it into our entry hall. (dont worry, theres still another set of stairs and another door untill i make it to the 1st floors halwway.)

But id dont stop there. Sure, the bike is in nice and safe, but my coat however is STUCK. THats right, stuck. My darling little puffy coats draw string hook is stuck under the door and wont come out. Now- the door is stuck open and my jacket is ripped from trying to remove it from the under edge from where it is still caught!

Ripped jacket- tired legs, tired spirit- HELL, at least im warm and cozy and in bed now. My cmas lights are twinkleing over my oak wood floors and im watching pineapple express- its all good. Besides, i have a fucking rad ass story to tell about my night and i totally just burned off the bagle and calzone that i had eaten earlier that day.

SO WHY WAS YOUR NIGHT SO RAD? you ask

"OH YA, WELL, IF YOU MUST ASK, ILL TELL YOU. I JUST REALLY HATE NAME DROPPING- BUT YOU KNOW, JUST FOR YOU GUYS..."

Lets start w yesterday morning. So i slept at crush's house, agaaaain. The night before we did another trashy east village dive bar tour, and got a little drunkey poo. Crush managed to make me feel super awk and talk about how hes not ready for a gf. TOTALLLY fine- i get it- i dont want a bf either. But lets be real here...we hang out like 4 times a week, you pay for everything, you offer expensive v day presents, you have me walk your dog, your always free to hang out, im going to wait for somebody to delliver you sewing machine tomorrow morning, and you always say stuff like "you are gunna have to get used to this or that". Its just confusing. Im a pretty go w the flow type of person but when things just dont make sense it gets a little irritating.

Then crush proceeds to say "so ya the person who is delivering my sewing machine tomorrow is my DAD. I didnt tell him anything- not that therers anything TO tell- just pretend you are the housekeeper. lol?" 

um, yah, dude, L O freeking L...ill just pretend im the house keeper that has been sleeping over every weekend for the last 1.75 months. newww prob.

   im sorry- i hope i dont sound like a crazy white girl but this is my blog and i try to reflect how i am feeling as accurately as poss. So whatev- i get over it and realize thats just what you get for trying to date somebody in nyc. this is life and everythings all right- besides everything else is perf. hes a nice guy and we have fun together. his dogs cute and his apt is amazing. so whatevs-

   anyways i waited for his dad the next morning to deliver his brand new industrial sewing machine. His dad arrives and my jaw drops. Hes pretty effin dilfy. I mean, crush did warn me about his perfect skin and his outstanding hair line, but this dad was like super DILF. i was like "hey crush's dad, dilf ya later?" haha oh im totally kidding.

   Crush's dad leaves back to long island and i walk the dog. the cute tiny little dog that looks much like a hamster. a white fluffy hamster. I walk the dog, take the  train to the showroom, grab my shit, make small talk w the door guy, and head off to deliver some shoes to a photoshoot. Mellow day-

Mellow day yes, a mellow day that turned into not so mellow of a night. Its 6 pm and i am watching SUPER SIZE ME. I get a text from Dave "im riding my  bike to williamsburg to go to glasslands...anybody want to come?"

FUCK YEAH- im down. Not only will i get exersize, but ill look SUPER cool and totally like one of the guys by taking my bike. I mean its a mellow bike ride right? Like super mellow- no hills. Ill just ride on the sidewalk and it will all be fine....uh, right?

WRONG- i freeking almost died of exhaustion/being hit by a car/being verbally assulted by a crack head (direct quote- " look     at       you and your goofy lookin bike) And this was all on the 3 block journey to daves freeking house riding on the freeking SIDEWALK. How the beep was i gunna make it all the way to the north of brooklyn from, the south of brooklyn? thats a 2.5 mile ride on the narrow bike path on the street with dbl parked cars and hills and wind and stuff. Whatever thoug, im just one of the guys. no big deal. im chill i can manage. 30 minutes after leaving daves- 30 long ass minutes of mini van dodging and hand signaling and panting and saying "dooood i dont know about this" We made it. As i coasted down union street and gazed upon the hudson and the williamsburg bridge sparkeling in the distance bewtween tall industrial greenpoint bldgs, it was all worth it. I live in new york. im just one of the guys. and i can see the bridge from here as the wind blows through my hair and my cheeks tingle w wind burn. 

     So we stop off at a bar called "rock star bar" A bar that apparently is murmaid themed on the inside, but still called rock star bar. whatever. Its me, Dave, Adam, Brett, and the 2 bar tenders only-were the only ones in there- litterally. Oh, and the dj in the corner. So brett and dave play a competative game of air hockey and i sit back sipping a pbr. just one of the guys. 

      Ten minutes later were talking politics-uh hum just one of the guys- and in walks the guitarist from TV ON THE RADIO. I mean, i dont get star struck- or like to drop names for that matter- but it was kind of a big deal. Me, a few of my guy friends, and the guitarist from tv on the radio. wow. We all held back our "i just wanna say man, i really like your music"s and acted like it was nbd....headed over to the other bar stoges in hand and excitement in hearts. Oh williamsburg.

The show was great! It was at this rad venue called glasslands. I got to se Jemina Pearl from byops new side project and this fun band called PONY PANTS. Matt from MGMT was djing too. Not too man ppl there but it was super fun. Jemina is soo good at being a lead singer and acting like a slutty rebellious teen that drinks beer and spits on the floor. Im sereous! its enchanting and so much fun to watch and dance to. Her voice rules.

so just one of the guys decides to make the 2.5 mile ride home. Buzzed yes, tired yes, but you know just one of the guys can handle it. I got it. Maybe not. Dave offered to ride behind me. Poor guy. i was litterally pantng and whining and going like zero mph the whole way. It got to the point where brett fell from doing figure 8s in the street while he was waiting for us to catch up. sad.

Made it home though. Drunk dialed dono and did my nightly name dropps- made it up stars. fell asleep to pineapple express- you know, the usual. Another surf the channel ending to another wild and crazy day in NYC. Till next time- just one of the guys :)